


Conviction

by muninnfanworks



Series: Let the Light In [7]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-12 09:25:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5661301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muninnfanworks/pseuds/muninnfanworks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>True, it was the early hours of the morning, and those hours were unsafe anywhere, never mind Cato Neimoidia.<br/>She offered him a small smile, pulling the cards toward her, “I’m waiting for someone, don’t worry about me.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Conviction

**_Conviction_ **

“What’ll it be, lady?” a surly voice startled Rey, causing her to spill the pazaak deck she was shuffling all over the glassy countertop.

Rey looked up at the Neimoidian server, “Two juma and two juri, thanks.”

The server squinted his seemingly blind eyes at her, “Bit much for a lady alone at this hour don’t you think?”

True, it was the early hours of the morning, and those hours were unsafe anywhere, never mind Cato Neimoidia.

She offered him a small smile, pulling the cards toward her, “I’m waiting for someone, don’t worry about me.”

He shrugged in response, “Just don’t want no incidents, girl. Had enough trouble with ‘em First Order convoys already, an’ don’t want to see some young thing get caught in their miserable works.” The server shuffled away after that, and Rey watched him leave, a wry smile on her lips.

Certainly. The bar was almost completely empty now, but that could change at any moment. For the time, the clientele consisted of only her and two Trandoshan.

Rey went back to aimlessly shuffling the deck Poe had given her so long ago, staring at the lights of the Neimoidian bridge cities, and speeders flying by. She was sitting in the same place she had been last time, except then it had been dusk, not early dawn, and she hadn’t been waiting for him that time.

Rey remembered it like it was yesterday, even though it felt like a lifetime ago. She had been scared and alone, fearful of her first solo mission, and one that took her to the isolated worlds of the Outer Rim no less. She hadn’t enjoyed the trip much, and even found herself hating all the _green_ of those never-ending swamp caves _._ But Master Luke had been right, and she had found the holocron. She had just been so alone.

Who else would have found her sitting in a bar before her final jump, afraid and at her most vulnerable, but Kylo Ren? Rey should have left when he sat down beside her, not let him deal her cards from the self-same deck she had been so nervously shuffling then as she was now.

Admittedly, he hadn’t really acted much like the Kylo Ren from memory, but more like the one who kept echoing across their then-infantile bond. There was no malice and no intimidation, that is, until she started goading him once the shock had worn off. In hindsight, Rey was even _more_ shocked that he managed to hold his temper at all. She had hardly been tolerant, with Han’s death still raw in her mind even after three months.

Rey shook her head, amazed that his feelings for her had run so deep so early on. The man who was now only Ben Solo to her had never wanted to hurt her, even when she practically spat in his face. Now, now it was she who would have to keep from breaking apart. Rey was both anticipating and dreading his arrival.

The Neimoidian placed four cups on the countertop in front of her, and the Trandoshan pair had left.

She stared at the cups, still shuffling the cards.

 _“Two juma, two juri.”_ He had asked the server. “ _Every spacer needs their staple, I’m told juma and juri are available on all worlds. I guess, with the amount travelling I have no doubt you’ll have to do, you should probably find your favourite?”_

Rey smiled at the memory; he preferred the juma.

The hours leading up to her departure window that day had been surreal, to say the least. Even though her prickly demeanour gave nothing away at the time, she had left Cato Neimoidia grateful for his presence, and more than a little confused that he had done nothing to betray her presence to the First Order.

Rey had thought General Leia mad whenever she voiced her longing for Ben to return, but after Cato Neimoidia, Rey had begun to think the General was not quite so misguided.

Whatever the Resistance troops may have said, General Leia never doubted that there was still light left in her son, and General Leia was no fool.

Rey huffed a small chuckle at the thought of the moments before she left D’Qar two days ago. Thankfully, Poe and Finn had been off on a convoy somewhere, so they did not get the chance to cross-question her this time around, but that was where her luck had run out.

The General had caught her in the hangar, knowing full well she had no mission from Luke. Rey had tried, but there was a very good reason she had been sidestepping Ben’s mother as much as possible, and though she tried she could not hope to talk her way around this long trip. Oh no, General Leia was no fool.

 _“Go.”_ Her swollen tone had said more than words ever could.

It had been a command, a surrender, and a plea, all in one.

A large shape moved into her vision, sending her heart racing, and the chair beside her creaked with someone’s weight. She probed, but the bond was still cold.

Rey looked up into warm brown eyes and smiled, slowly nudging two of the glasses towards Ben Solo.

“Juma and juri, Solo.”

“And I suppose we’ll have to put our lightsabers on the counter too, then?”

She chuckled, shaking her head.

He smiled fondly at her, amusement lighting up his eyes, and reached as if for the glass, but instead took one of her hands in both of his. Ever so gently, there was a nudge at her consciousness, and his eyes softened as he watched her realise he had pulled the wall down again.

Rey bit her lip, fending off the sudden surge in her chest.

“So I take it we’re ‘safe’?” she asked softly.

Ben tilted his head in response, “Not really, but I can’t handle the emptiness any longer.”

“You insisted, to keep me hidden.”

“I know,” he sounded almost guilty, “But I can’t go without you in some manner anymore.” Ben’s voice was low, almost a whisper.

Rey put the deck down and placed her hand over his clasped ones, “And here I was beginning to think you weren’t going to show up,” she said teasingly.

Ben turned his uppermost hand over, interlaced his fingers with hers, pulled that hand to his face and gently kissed the backs of her knuckles.

“I ran into some trouble with my transponder codes,” he eventually said against her fingers, “I would have been here sooner, but the dockmaster wasn’t so charmed by First Order vessels.”

“Can’t imagine why.” Her throat was dry. Rey had missed him terribly. There was no accounting for the sleepless nights she had spent hoping that Snoke wouldn’t see right through his bluffs.

Ben grinned at that, placing her hand back on his other one in order to pick up a drink. He eyed it and her with teasing suspicion before taking a sip.

“Juri.” His expressing made her giggle. “Your turn.”

He pushed one of her glasses towards her. Rey hesitantly took a sip, and her face involuntarily scrunched up at the sharp flavour. Ben laughed, letting go of her hands and picking up the pazaak deck, shuffling it much like he had before.

When Rey regained her composure, she threw him an accusing glare, “You nerf herder, you _knew_ that one was juri.”

Ben’s grin only widened as he dealt out side-decks for them both, the faintest of early morning light dusting his features. The sun had not yet broken the horizon.

His smile would be the end of her, Rey was sure of it.

And she still had to tell him what she had been too cowardly to say on Nar Shaddaa.

Rey pushed the juri aside, reaching for the juma instead, and took a nervous drink. Ben simply watched her, a look in his eyes she couldn’t quite figure out.

“Rey,” he spoke eventually, “On Nar Shaddaa, I- I didn’t-” he paused, seemingly struggling for words, and Rey felt sick at what he might say next.

Ben took a sip of his own juma.

“I don’t know what to do next. I know what I _should_ do, but duty and desire tend to war.”

Rey was expecting him to say many things, but that was not one of them.

He picked up his cards, and turned over one from the main deck for his side. It was a nine.

Ben was wrestling with his thoughts, this was obvious to Rey, and it made her uneasy as to what happened with Snoke. Rey knew she could delve into his mind at any time and simply _see_ what had Ben so anxious, but that was not something she was prepared to do today.

As she turned over a card for herself, she dared a glance at his Force signature. The sight was a wonder for her. Ben Solo was split, dark and light, and Rey was inclined to admit that she too looked a lot like that of late. Her card was an eight.

Ben turned another over from the pool, another nine, and played a plus one to stand at nineteen. His expression was still stormy and uncertain.

Rey put down the glass and reached over to cup his cheek, running her thumb along the scar she had given him. Ben leaned into her touch, and Rey moved her thumb further to brush his lips. Slowly, his expression calmed. Force, she had missed this man. It was taking too much of her already dubious control to keep herself at this distance.

Rey turned over another card with her free hand, and the ten pushed her to eighteen. With no side cards to help her equal twenty, she risked another pool, and went bust on twenty four; no negatives in her side.

Ben managed a smirk, but Rey could see he was still tightly strung, and it made her heart twist. No, she thought, they needed to get out of this bar.

He let her pull back, and she tucked away the deck into her tunic, putting credits on the table for the drinks. Ben looked at her questioningly, and Rey took his hands in hers, pulling him to his feet. The sun hadn’t come up yet.

“Where are we going?” He asked her as she led him out the oversized walkway doors, still tightly holding one of his hands in hers.

“My dock. Remember what you said last time you walked me there?” Rey looked back at him, her eyebrows raised.

Ben nodded, squeezing her hand, “Never miss a Neimoidian sunset.”

“I hear the same holds true for their sunrise.”

Ben didn’t have time to respond before she dragged him up a ramp. There were very few citizens on the walkways at this time of morning, and Rey started to run.

“I see you still have the _Sparrow_ ,” he said as they finally stepped onto the platform, slightly out of breath from the sprint up the long, steep path, but smiling widely at her.

“Wouldn’t trade her for the world,” Rey beamed at him, also somewhat winded, and glad to see his mood slightly lighter, “Too many memories.”

His smile vanished.

“Rey.”

She walked over to the back of the circular platform and stood on the edge, leaving Ben standing by the _Sparrow,_ and ignored the pain in her chest his sudden solemnity caused. Rey hadn’t forgotten what she needed to tell him, but now she was wondering if she should. She was scared.

Rey felt his hands on her shoulders, tugging her against his chest. Ben ran his hands down her arms, and she clenched her hands with his when he curled his fingers in between hers. He gripped her tight, crossing his and her arms so that he could hug her to himself, and rested his chin on her shoulder. Even through her trepidation, Rey could not deny his arms were her refuge.

Ever so slowly, the sky was painted with pinks and oranges as the sun peeked over the horizon. They stood motionless, wrapped in each other, and they watched till the sun was a brilliant disk just kissing the vista of Cato Neimoidia’s jewel cloud ocean.

“I should never have left you on Nar Shaddaa,” Ben said against her neck, his voice cracked with insecurity.

Rey’s breath came short at the sudden admission.

She felt him take a deep breath before he turned her around to face him, and her heart broke at his torn countenance.

“I haven’t met with Snoke,” he said, his tone frank and all business.

Rey was flooded with a relief she didn’t even know she was waiting for.

“Ben-“ He placed he thumb over her lips, holding her face in his hand, the other on her hip.

Shaking his head, and not meeting her eyes he continued, “I haven’t met with Snoke but I’ve gotten close enough to know exactly where he is, and the new Force-sensitive neophytes he has surrounding him. I need you to go back to my mother and give her this information.”

Rey pushed his thumb off her lips, shocked at the news of Snoke’s fledglings, but more concerned about the grim look on Ben’s face.

“And you?” No matter how hard she tried, he would not look at her.

“I need to keep him busy till the Resistance’s best can make star dust of that planet. I need to make sure he’s there when they come, and _keep_ him there to die.”

Rey was struck cold, her mouth slightly agape and her eyes unseeing. No. No, this was not what was meant to happen.

Ben continued to speak, “That’s what I should do, what I _need_ to do. It’s the only thing that will help with some of what I’ve done.”

Rey hadn’t noticed she was shaking her head till Ben held her still, one hand still at the base of her head and the other at the nape of her spine, and he finally looked into her eyes. She managed to focus on him through the terrified haze that was her thoughts. His eyes were glassy. Rey gripped his arms, rapidly shaking her head back and forth again in small, disbelieving movements.

“I hated leaving you on Nar Shaddaa. I wanted to run back. I wanted to s _tay,_ I wanted to go back with you no matter what waited for me but I-“

“ _Don't.”_ Rey found her voice past the stones that felt like they were lodged in her throat. “Don’t you _dare_ say you can’t, Ben. Don’t you _dare_.” Her voice was hoarse.

“Rey, I have _nothing_ else to offer them. I have _nothing_ else to contribute to the Resistance. There is _nothing else_ I could ever conjure up for my mother to _help_ her when I’ve let her down at every turn thus far.” His voice was broken, and a single wet track glistening on his cheek.

Rey was struggling to breathe. What he said made sense from his view, but Rey could not accept it. Was this why the Jedi originally forbade love?

“He’s expecting me, Rey. I have to go. If I don’t, then he will undoubtedly realise my betrayal, and we may lose our _only_ chance at crippling him and his new soldiers _before_ they become any stronger!”

She didn’t care.

“This is all I can offer.” Ben was beseeching her to understand. Rey just couldn’t.

“Offer your _skill_ , offer your _blade,_ and offer your _knowledge,_ or fracking offer yourself as a wasted space in a cell, Ben!” As much as Rey was trying to control herself, equally was she losing her grip on the calm Master Luke had tried to teach her. She was becoming inconsolable. Ben made to speak but couldn’t, and Rey continued; her voice petering out, “Your mother only wants _you._ Preferably _alive.”_ He flinched.

Her vision grew clouded. For the first time since the interrogation room, Rey was crying in front of Ben. He hurriedly swept his fingers across her cheek to brush the offending water away. He was too close. Rey didn’t know what to do.

“And what about _me?”_ She meant to scream, but it came out a breathless whisper. He was far too close. Rey pulled herself free of his grasp, and took a step aside, still short of breath.

Ben reached for her, but she only moved slightly farther away. “What if _I_ need _you?_ How does that work if you’re _gone?_ ”

“Rey, please-“ He was begging, for what she didn’t stop to find out. The barrier she had always relied on to keep herself together was broken now.

“Please what? ‘Please let me go to my death?’” He stepped closer to her as she spoke, his expression still warring. “I _love_ you, Ben, and I can’t do that.”

The words were out before Rey had even thought them, and she could only stare Ben down after they were said.

He gaped at her in stunned incomprehension.

“…What?” He finally choked out, obviously staggered.

Rey swallowed hard, lowering the ramp of her ship. The only sound to be heard was the hiss of the pistons.

She didn’t speak again until the ramp was on the floor, eventually regaining a semblance of composure barring the tears that still spilled silently over her cheeks.

Ben was still immobile, staring at her in what could almost be described as wonder

When Rey ultimately found her words, her voice was quiet, and she wondered if Ben could even hear her. “I realised on Nar Shaddaa, and I wanted to tell you but I- well…” Rey trailed off, her shoulders sagging in defeat. “It doesn’t matter, does it?”

Ben’s eyes widened, and he clenched his hands into fists at his sides.

Rey stepped onto the ramp and raked her hand over her face, trying to erase all evidence of her traitorous want, but not quite stemming the flow.

“You will do what you think is right, Ben.” She could not hide the quiver in her words, hugging her arms around her body. “You can go to Snoke with the hopes that you can stall him long enough, or you can come to D’Qar and fight with us, free of _him_.” Rey brushed the last of her tears away. “It’s your choice, Ben. It always has been.”

Ben Solo stood in silence, rooted to the spot.

Rey smiled weakly and nodded, turning to walk up the ramp and trying desperately to not let herself shatter any further. He was going to go, stubborn to the end.

As she reached the threshold a lance of pure, raw panic shot through her head, and she traced its origin to the presence tethered to her mind. Reeling from the abrupt intrusion, Rey was blocked from the world around her. When the noise ebbed, and her senses cleared, she found herself swathed in warmth, with a welcome pressure gripping her tight. The body pressed against hers was shaking, and the consciousness that danced with hers was chaotic and frenzied. His forehead had fallen on her shoulder, and his soft cries of her name came with each ragged breath he took.

Ben was weeping.

Rey wound her fingers into his hair and gently soothed his shoulders with her free hand. She didn’t dare to think for fear she might hope and instead merely absorbed the glittering view of the Neimoidian morning, holding the fractured man fast and allowing him time to find his peace.

Rey allowed herself only one indulgence in this moment, and that was to remember the feeling of his embrace.

Gradually his breathing calmed, and his trembling eased.

“I’m scared, Rey. I’m terrified,” he murmured, leaning back to look into her eyes.

“Me too, Ben.” Rey squeezed his shoulder, deciding honesty was the only route today. “I need to be selfish. I’d rather we lost Snoke this time than lose you today. There will be other opportunities.”

He placed his forehead on hers, not looking away. “Luke won’t be too charmed to hear that.”

“Luke will be too distracted by his nephew to worry about his wayward student.”

“Rey-“ His face was still uncertain, and pained.

“ _Please,_ Ben. _Please._ ” Please stay, please come with.

_Please don’t leave me._

Ben’s demeanour cleared, and his face set.

All too swiftly, Rey found herself being hauled into the _Sparrow,_ and she could only stare wide-eyed at Ben’s back as he led her to speedily to the cockpit, the sounds of the ramp closing behind her.

“Ben!” She squeaked when he sat her down in the co-pilot’s chair and fired up the ship.

His retort was terse, “Rey, please just set a course for D’Qar and let me get us into hyperspace while I still have the nerve to do this.”

Rey did as he said, then punched in the clearance codes when the prompt appeared. When approval came through, she sat back and watched him prime the ship. His hands were shaking, and his face was tensely drawn.

It wasn’t long before the cockpit was bathed in the eerie blue hue of hyperspace, and Ben slumped back into the chair, his head in his hands. He was still shaky. Rey leaned forward and pressed a hand against the nape of his neck, massaging him there with her fingers. Rey was not oblivious to just how potentially dangerous of a decision he had made.

“What do I even _say?_ How do I even say it?” His hands fell to his lap, and he looked at her.

Rey gave a small shrug, “It’s not something you can plan, Ben. We’ll just have to see. But I promise,” she stood up, holding his head in both her hands, “I’ll be there defending you. It’s my turn to keep you safe.” Rey felt victory at the smile that caused.

She felt Ben’s hands on her waist, and before she could properly comprehend what he was doing, he had pulled her down onto his lap; legs resting either side of his.

That look of wonder was softening his features again. “Do you even know what you’ve done to me?” he asked, leaning up till his face was mere breaths from hers.

Ben paused, but didn’t wait for an answer before kissing her roughly, pulling her closer against him.

Rey felt release and bliss. This was what she had needed to do in the bar. She wanted him, and for once there was hope that she wouldn’t have to hide that anymore.

It was a nineteen-hour trip back to D’Qar, and as Ben nipped lightly at her lips, Rey stopped herself just short of tearing his jacket to get it off.

 


End file.
